JESUS SPEAKS TODAY about divorce. It is undoubtedly a very painful reality of our own time. In some societies, especially the more affluent and so-called developed societies, almost half of marriages can now end in divorce and separation. We probably all know people whose marriages have broken down for one reason or another. And certainly Catholics are among them.

Move On










Love, sex and marriage

Apart from those who have gone through divorce and separation, there are many others where husband and wife remain married in public but whose lives have become completely separate. In some cases, one or both may have set up other liaisons within the fiction of a marriage between themselves.

Marriage, love and sex have become largely separated in our societies now. Sex as an expression of love in a deep, intimate relationship with another person has been replaced by "safe sex" as a kind of recreational pastime and the "one-night stand".

Move On










Jewish law

Divorce was allowed by Jewish law. It could be had simply by a husband delivering a certificate declaring his intention to divorce his wife, giving freedom to both to remarry. In fact, the woman often had little chance of remarrying. There was not much of a market for "used" goods. Men, of course, were always seen as the users and not the used.

Reasons for applying for divorce could be sexual misconduct by the wife or simply the whim of the husband who had found someone more attractive. Wives, on the other hand, could not divorce their husbands; they belonged to their husbands like property. It was not very far from a condition of slavery.

Move On










Herod and Herodias

The question that the Pharisees asked Jesus in today's Gospel about the legitimacy of divorce was occasioned by King Herod marrying his brother's wife, Herodias. John the Baptist had condemned this liaison as adulterous and, as we know, literally lost his head for his outspokenness. Now the Pharisees come to find out Jesus' opinion on the issue. Would he agree with his cousin John?

Today's passage is also in the context of Jesus preparing his disciples for his own suffering, death and new life and teaching his disciples what following him entailed. And it follows immediately on a passage about resisting temptation, specifically temptations of the eyes and of the hands, roving eyes and groping hands. Clearly, the question of marriage, divorce, and entering a new sexual liaison can be involved here.

Move On










Two become one body

In contrast with the prevailing culture, Jesus presents man and woman as having equal rights. He also presents marriage as essentially a permanent relationship: "The two shall become one body... What God has united, man must not divide." This implies total equality and a permanent mutuality of giving. Is this an ideal or is it an absolute allowing of no exceptions?

This concept of the "one flesh" is borne out when a long-time married spouse loses his/her partner through death. On the occasion of such a loss, the surviving spouse feels that a part of himself/herself has been torn away. It can take a long time for the survivor to go through the grieving process and come to terms with the loss. In some cases, the surviving partner does not live very long.

In such a relationship, divorce is unthinkable. It does not mean that life has been a bed of roses all the way. There may be great hardships, there may be periods of conflict, or even infidelity but the underlying commitment remains. It is lovely to see a couple who have been married for a long time still able to express tender affection for each other.

Move On










Long-term commitments

In our time, long-term commitments are becoming more difficult. We move house more often, we change jobs more often, and we change marriage partners. The reasons for the breakdown of marriage can be very complex and we cannot go into them here. Some of the main reasons obviously would be that the couple were poorly prepared and the relationship simply breaks down; infidelity on the part of one or both partners (adultery); that, after marriage, the young couple simply matured in different directions and reach a stage of incompatibility through no fault of their own (an example, provided for by the Church, could be that one partner decides to become a Christian, something which is unacceptable to the spouse and in these circumstances, remarriage with another Catholic is possible. This is known as the Pauline Privilege).

Move On










When a marriage breaks down

When the marriage relationship does break down and reconciliation is not possible, the Church recognises the right of the couples to separate and live apart permanently. They may also go through civil divorce with the purpose of legally establishing their mutual rights and responsibilities with regard to shared assets, support of the wife, visitation of children and so on. What the Church officially will not allow either of them to do is to remarry in church. The sacrament can only be celebrated once while both partners are living. If they go through a civil marriage they may partake fully in the Eucharist only if they refrain from sexual relations (living, as the expression goes, "as brother and sister").

Move On










Re-marriage problems

Clearly the question of re-married Catholics is a major problem in the Church today. The number of Catholic marriages ending in divorce is not very different from those of non-Catholics. It is also a fact that some, but by no means all, second marriages turn out very well, far better than the first. It can also happen that the couple are deeply committed Christians and are concerned about the Christian formation of their children. Yet, technically, they may not share in the Eucharist although their children can. How this is seen or understood by young children is a question. One also wonders whether such a couple, if they are expressing their love for each other in the usual way, should be seen as "living in sin". Some couples will in all honesty and in good conscience make their own decision about this. Others may feel the pain of the Church's strictures and still remain faithful to the Church. Others, of course, may move to another church which they find more understanding or fall away altogether.

Move On










Needs of children

Immediately after the discussion on divorce, there is a passage where Jesus speaks about children - the fruit of marriage. "Let them come to me," Jesus says. Parents should not stand in way of their children finding God; on the contrary, they should rather show the way. There are many ways we can prevent children approaching Jesus. By simply not giving them any Christian formation (telling them about Jesus, teaching them how to pray...) or not inviting others (parish, school...) to form them; sending them to a Catholic school but having no Christian environment in the home (what signs of Christianity are there in your home?); following double standards (telling children to behave in one way while parents act quite differently, or where what is learnt in school is contradicted by what happens at home).

It is not enough just to get children baptised, send them to a Catholic school or a parish programme (CCD). They must also find and go to Jesus IN the home and THROUGH their parents. Parents do this partly by the way they express their love for each other and partly by the Christian witness of truth, integrity and love which they show.

Move On










Marriage and the community

The Gospel today sees marriage not being lived in isolation but in the context of a loving and supportive community. A wedding, the sacrament of marriage, usually takes place among relatives and friends. They not only are there to witness the marriage, to respect a now exclusive relationship but also to help foster it, protect it, nurture it. Unfortunately that does not always happen.

Undoubtedly divorce is a very painful experience for a married couple. Although permanent commitments are less popular nowadays, most people do not enter marriage on a trial basis, to see "if it works". On the wedding day they want it to be for keeps. Facing the threat of divorce is an experience no one wants to go through. It is a humiliating admission of failure in a venture which seemed so full of promise on the wedding day. Two people who once seemed so sure of each other have now to admit they can no longer live at the level of union they expected.

And then there are the children who are the real victims. We see the results in our newspapers and juvenile courts and dysfunctional children in our schools. They are the tip of the iceberg. How does the experience of seeing their parents' marriage falling apart affect their own interpersonal relationships in the future?

Move On










Any cure?

Is their any cure for divorce? As in most cases, the best cure is surely prevention. How can divorce be prevented? One important way must surely be a much better preparation for marriage. If as much time and money was spent on preparing for the marriage as for the wedding, things might be very different.

A wedding lasts anything from 10 minutes to an hour; a marriage is intended to be a lifetime experience. There seems to be a naive belief that a couple just has to do what comes naturally. What could be more natural than sexual union and procreation? Millions of broken marriages and divorces should tell us that things are not so simple. The terrible cases of abused spouses and children we read about are sufficient indication of this.

Move On










Not two, but one

Today's Gospel, quoting from the Creation story in Genesis, says that a married couple are no longer two persons but "one body". To develop that kind of two-becomes-one relationship requires a lot of work. It may also require a lot of guidance from experienced people... other married couples and counsellors. Probably a major cause of breakdown today is that so many so-called 'nuclear' families live without any real outside support from the wider family or community. When things get rough, there can be a terrible loneliness with no one to turn to. In our Christian parish communities we could do a lot to be sensitive to strains in families we know and see that such families do have sympathetic and understanding people to turn to. Probably, many marriage breakdowns could be avoided in this way.

Move On










Love is an art

Marriages don't just happen by some kind of magic. They are made. They require a lot of work. Erich Fromm, a psychologist, wrote a book called "The Art of Loving". It is an art, a skill to be developed so that something beautiful and lasting may result. Strangely enough, of all our human activities, true love is probably the only one where familiarity breeds not contempt but an ever-growing intimacy with and respect for the other.

The really loving couples are not the radiant couple on their wedding day but those not so radiant-looking who celebrate, but really do celebrate, their silver and golden anniversaries. These are the people who really know what love means.